but i still miss you

i probably shouldn't

but i still miss you

i miss how you would leave your comfort zone to give me a little piece of mine

i miss you singing

and i love how you played the song from our first day

on our last day

i miss the way you talk, and the things you say, and how you make me laugh

and then you make me laugh

again

and again

and again

laugh all the way from the restaurant to my house - in heavy traffic

laugh because even over email you still sound the same

laugh when you got mad at me for mentioning our place

i know it's selfish of me to miss you

because you miss all of us, and them, and her, and maybe even me

but i haven't found anyone else who can make me laugh as much as you can

even if it's just by a memory

and i know i shouldn't

but i still miss you

Mamacita

It's a magical thing when your mother is your best friend. When you can go on sushi dates, and laugh the entire time. 

When she can vent about her life to you, and you try to be helpful before realizing that she just wants you to listen.

When you get a little older, and she starts teaching you about the real world. You realize that she has the ability to love others despite the way they've hurt her. And you're grateful that she protected your view of people for as long as she did.

And when you call her to talk she'll organize her entire office while you go on for hours. She'll tell you that it's impressive how much you talk, but you'll remind her where you get it from.

Because home is where your mom is

And it's always hard to leave.

But there's always more laughter:

giving ear lobe massages

speaking in Asian accents

pretending we're on a cooking show

replying "that's nice honey"

spending entire days at the spa

trying new crafts and hobbies

sorting candles for hours

laughing until we can't breathe

and we never stop laughing.

Alone

It's interesting how i feel more lonely with you here, than i did when you were 2,931 miles away.

And i'm no expert on parenting, but questioning my integrity the moment you see me isn't how i will greet my children.

People say that parents are strict because they care about you which translates to "if your parents aren't strict they don't care about you" in my mind.

Which sucks

Which makes me feel like you don't care.

Which makes me cry. Sad tears.

Which makes me feel all sorts of things, but mostly lonely.

Messed Up

i'll always be sad about it.

it's not something you just forget about.

it's all too common, but that doesn't make it lose meaning.

i may have been little, but it was still painful.

the second time was more painful.

i can't imagine what it was like for you though. or her. or them.

i don't let your life choices govern mine though.

at least i try not too

but

the unacknowledged fear will always be there like a lock on my heart.

a fear that nothing lasts forever.

a fear that i could choose wrong.

and i hate that.



"People are going to think that you're 'messed up' because our family isn't perfect."

cool.

they can think that i guess.



i'll tell you my story if you ask

but i wouldn't tell somebody who didn't care

you need to know me before you know my story

. . .

The 'L' Word

things i love

the ocean

hearing good news

laughing until i cry

realizing things about myself

music

the word "ridiculous"

spontaneous moments

watching the sunrise

meeting someone and feeling like you've known them your whole life

when hard work pays off

flowers

stars

puppies

late night conversations

back scratches

Heavenly Father

sliding on the floor in socks

fourth of july barbeques

real life snow ball fights

getting the chills by hearing something amazing

giggling

witty people

hummingbirds

downloading new music

thai food

new houses

warm weather

the moon

owls

family dinners

The gospel of Jesus Christ

pedicures

snuggling

chick flicks

catching snow flakes in my mouth

lakes and rivers

watermelon football

my friends

amazing memories

naps under willow trees

kind people

mount timpanogus

feeling special

coconut mango shaved ice in hawaii

the smell of citrus

white teeth

animals

pretty rocks

warm fires

fresh air

night time drives with the windows/sunroof down and the heat blasting

hearing "I love you."

nicknames

being organized


The list will never end, and I'm grateful for that. 
 

In Less Than a Year...

In less than a year we'll be out of this place.



It's heart breaking, but also... I can't find the right word. Bigger than exciting.

 Because all my life I've been told, "Do _______, it'll look good on a college application." But I applied to college today, and they didn't care. All they wanted to know is what my mom's email address is, and my credit card number for the $40 application fee.

At least it was easier than I thought it would be. I didn't have to write essays about the service I've done, my extracurricular involvement, or brag about how amazing I am.



My phone keeps going off, but I'm not sure who is txting me at 1:00 on a Thursday night.



I'm worried about having good roommates, and meeting fun people. And not being able to work things out in my head  by talking nonsense to my dad.

I'm going to miss my room. My dog sleeping on my bed with me. The Christmas lights I've hung all around, and the paintings on my walls. I'm going to miss the view from my balcony, and the sunrises I've watched on it.


I'm getting nastalgic and I haven't even left yet.
It's October.