Messed Up

i'll always be sad about it.

it's not something you just forget about.

it's all too common, but that doesn't make it lose meaning.

i may have been little, but it was still painful.

the second time was more painful.

i can't imagine what it was like for you though. or her. or them.

i don't let your life choices govern mine though.

at least i try not too

but

the unacknowledged fear will always be there like a lock on my heart.

a fear that nothing lasts forever.

a fear that i could choose wrong.

and i hate that.



"People are going to think that you're 'messed up' because our family isn't perfect."

cool.

they can think that i guess.



i'll tell you my story if you ask

but i wouldn't tell somebody who didn't care

you need to know me before you know my story

. . .

The 'L' Word

things i love

the ocean

hearing good news

laughing until i cry

realizing things about myself

music

the word "ridiculous"

spontaneous moments

watching the sunrise

meeting someone and feeling like you've known them your whole life

when hard work pays off

flowers

stars

puppies

late night conversations

back scratches

Heavenly Father

sliding on the floor in socks

fourth of july barbeques

real life snow ball fights

getting the chills by hearing something amazing

giggling

witty people

hummingbirds

downloading new music

thai food

new houses

warm weather

the moon

owls

family dinners

The gospel of Jesus Christ

pedicures

snuggling

chick flicks

catching snow flakes in my mouth

lakes and rivers

watermelon football

my friends

amazing memories

naps under willow trees

kind people

mount timpanogus

feeling special

coconut mango shaved ice in hawaii

the smell of citrus

white teeth

animals

pretty rocks

warm fires

fresh air

night time drives with the windows/sunroof down and the heat blasting

hearing "I love you."

nicknames

being organized


The list will never end, and I'm grateful for that. 
 

In Less Than a Year...

In less than a year we'll be out of this place.



It's heart breaking, but also... I can't find the right word. Bigger than exciting.

 Because all my life I've been told, "Do _______, it'll look good on a college application." But I applied to college today, and they didn't care. All they wanted to know is what my mom's email address is, and my credit card number for the $40 application fee.

At least it was easier than I thought it would be. I didn't have to write essays about the service I've done, my extracurricular involvement, or brag about how amazing I am.



My phone keeps going off, but I'm not sure who is txting me at 1:00 on a Thursday night.



I'm worried about having good roommates, and meeting fun people. And not being able to work things out in my head  by talking nonsense to my dad.

I'm going to miss my room. My dog sleeping on my bed with me. The Christmas lights I've hung all around, and the paintings on my walls. I'm going to miss the view from my balcony, and the sunrises I've watched on it.


I'm getting nastalgic and I haven't even left yet.
It's October.